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Barry Cuda/Transcript
Green's House, living room (Episode title appears on a card back; Tilly, Gramma and Bill are playing Go Fish.) Gramma: Read 'em and weep! (tosses in her cards and grabs poker chips) HA! Haha... Bill: Ma, for the last time, we're playin' Go Fish. Gramma: Shut up and give me money. (Cricket comes in holding a grocery bag.) Cricket: Heyguysheyguysheyguysheyguysheyguysheyguysheyguys! I can't wait to show you what I bought! Bill: "Bought"? Cricket: Yeah! I made ten bucks by tacklin' a bird. Bill: What does that even mean? Cricket: Di-daz...just listen! Big Coffee, exterior (Flashback: Cricket mooching one of the plates on the tables.) Cricket (VO): So there I was, workin' at the cafe to pay back my destruction debt, doin' a real good job, when all of a sudden I noticed two best friends bein' harassed by an intruder. (Shows two men at the next table freaking out over the sight of a pigeon.) Blue man: Oh my gosh, Terry, DO SOMETHING! Cricket (VO): Bein' a professional, I knew just how to tackle the problem. (He plots the pigeon to the ground.) Cricket: Get your gross face outta here, bird! Be gone, sky rat! (The pigeon flies away.) Cricket (VO): And I was met with a pleasant surprise. Blue man: (as he and Terry approach) Tiny boy, you saved our brunch. And our lives. Thank you so much. (pauses) Terry, oh my gosh, give him the tip already! (Terry presents him with a dollar bill.) Cricket: Willikers! Ten dollars?! Cricket (VO): Thought about openin' a savings account... Green's House, living room (Flashback ends.) Cricket: But instead, I bought this! (He presents a fish on a plaque, Barry Cuda. He presses the play button on the nameplate and it starts to move and sing.) Barry Cuda: ♫ Rumblin' belly ♫ ♫ Make you a wish ♫ ♫ Lookin' out, it's a singin' fish ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda (Wooooo) ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda (Wooooo) ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda, Barry Cuda, Barry Cuda ♫ (The fish stops.) Cricket: Hahahaha! A fish that can sing?! That's comedy. His name's Barry Cuda, get it?! Bill: Yeah...great, son. Speakin' of fish, wanna come play Go Fish with -- Cricket: I love you so much, Barry Cuda! You're the first thing I ever bought all by myself. I'll never let anything bad happen to ya. Bill: Well, I guess you're occupied. Tilly, you got any fours? (Barry's song starts again.) Barry Cuda: ♫ Well, somebody help me ♫ ♫ I need some water ♫ ♫ Where are you doin', it's gonna kill ya, ya ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda (Wooooo) ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda, Barry Cuda, Barry Cuda ♫ (Under previous:) Tilly: What was that, Papa?! Bill: I said, do ya got any fours?! Gramma: ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME?! Tilly: NO! HE WAS TALKIN' TO -- Gramma: WHAT?! Bill: I SAID, DO YA GOT ANY --''' '''Cricket: (laughs) Bill: Okay, you know what? I'm gonna go. (They leave while voicing annoyed chatters; Barry Cuda stops.) Cricket: Hmm? Aww, it makes me so sad when you stop. (Then happy) That's why I'm never gonna let ya! (presses the play button) Barry Cuda: ♫ Barry Cuda (Wooooo) ♫ Kitchen (Montage: Bill is carving a deer out of wood.) Bill: Just a couple more careful swipes, and you'll be a majestic stag. (Cricket suddenly passes outside with Barry Cuda.) Barry Cuda: ♫ Barry Cuda, whoa-oh ♫ Bill: WHOA! (The motion causes him to accidentally chop the deer's head off.) Bill: Ohhhh...!! Front yard (Tilly is outside, holding a dictionary and standing before Phoenix and a chicken standing on an altar.) Tilly: We are gathered here today to join together Phoenix and Cynthia Chicken. If there is any reason these two should not be wed, speak now or -- (Cricket promptly interrupts, chasing Phoenix and Cynthia around.) Barry Cuda: ♫ Barry Cuda (Wooooo) ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda ♫ Tilly: Oh, brother... Gramma's bedroom (Gramma is painting the toenails of her fake leg.) Gramma: (hums) (And cue Cricket.) Barry Cuda: ♫ Ohhhh, Barry Cuda ♫ Gramma: AGH! (She spills the nail polish all over her and grumbles.) Hallway (It is now sunset; Cricket heads for the bathroom with Barry Cuda still singing.)' Barry Cuda: ♫ Be there to flop me ♫ ♫ This is what I say ♫ ♫ Be sure you'll help me, it'll be okay ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda (Wooooo) ♫ (Under previous:) Cricket: Oh, nature calls, Barry. (puts Barry Cuda on the floor) I'll be just a minute. (enters the bathroom) No peekin'. (After he goes inside, the shadow of someone unknown looms over Barry Cuda. Inside, Cricket licks his tongue and smooths his eyebrows with the saliva.) Cricket: (hums) (A slam is heard outside; the singing suddenly stops.) Cricket: Hmm? Barry? (comes out) Hey Barry, why'd you stop sing -- AAAAAAH!!! (Reveals an axe pinned in Barry Cuda's middle body.) Cricket: BARRYYYY!!! (goes up and struggles to remove the axe) B-B-Barry, hang on!! (He manages to remove the axe; it flies right into a portrait of the Green family, splitting it in half with him on one side and Tilly, Bill and Alice on the other. Tilly, Bill and Alice instantly show up.) Bill: Cricket, what's goin' on? Cricket: (sobs, tears in eyes) There was an accident... (another sob) And Barry...he ain't breathin'! Bill: Well, I don't think he was ever breathin' to begin with. Cricket: It doesn't matter now, 'cause he's go-o-o-o-o-one...!!! Barry Cuda: (starts back up) ♫ Be sure you'll help me, it'll be okay ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda (Wooooo) ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda (Wooooo) ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda... ♫ (Under previous:) Cricket: (relieved) Barry! Oh Barry, I thought you were a goner after that accident! (now it hits him) Wait a second... (stares at Barry Cuda's cut) This ain't no accident... (points at his family) ONE OF YOU TRIED TO MURDER BARRY! Bill: Cricket, come on! Gramma: What, Cricket? Cricket: I don't know how! I don't know why! Seriously, why?!? But I'm gonna find out... (Menacingly backs away) Living room (Now it is nighttime; Cricket stands before Remy wearing a bathrobe and slippers on the couch.) Cricket: Remy, thanks for comin' over. You're the only one I can trust. Someone's trying to kill Barry, and we're gonna find out who. Remy: (yawns) I'm not sure how much help I'll be. I'm never up this late. It feels kinda dangerous. Heh. Cricket: You have no-i-dea. I know this must be awkward, you bein' my old best friend, bein' asked to watch my new best friend... Remy: I was your old best friend? Cricket: (handing him Barry Cuda) Yeah, yeah. Listen, Remy. I need you to watch Barry while I catch the perp. Remy: Sure, Cricket. No problem. So, do you have any promising leads? Cricket: Oh, I have leads alright, Remy. And I'll tell you what: things are about to get real serious. (He gives a serious face as Remy suddenly falls asleep. Barry Cuda somehow activates in his hands.) Remy: (wakes up) Yah! Barry Cuda: '''♫ --me, Barry Cuda (Wooooo) ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda ♫ '''Cricket: (smiles and moves arms) Heh-heh. ♫ Barry Cuda... ♫ Cricket and Tilly's bedroom (Tilly is sitting and brushing Saxon's mustache.) Tilly: Saxon, one day, I hope to have a mustache as distinguished as yours. (The door is heard slamming open; Cricket is here.) Cricket: Well, that day is gonna have to be in JAIL! Guard the door, Remy! Remy: Literally I'm... (yawns) on it... (falls asleep) Tilly: Hi, Cricket. What's goin' on? Cricket: I'll tell you what's goin' on: we're bringing you in for the attempted murder of Barry Cuda! Tilly: You think I'' had it in for Barry? What makes you think that? '''Cricket:' (takes her brush) Well, I'm glad you asked. (gets a chair and sits on it, back forward) Let me spell it out for ya, sis... Tilly's accusation fantasy (Black-and-white fantasy of Tilly dressed as a jazz singer and performing onstage, with Saxon as the pianist.) Cricket (VO): You fancy yourself a singer. Tilly (VO): I do? Cricket: You're pretty good, too. Tilly (VO): Oh, thank you. Cricket (VO): Until... (She sees Cricket dressed in a suit and boater hat outside and holding Barry Cuda as he sings, and she gets jealous.) Cricket (VO): Barry bursts onto the scene, and with the voice of an angel, he stole the spotlight! Not taking kindly to be an upstage, you plotted to squish the fish... (she holds an axe before Barry Cuda) With an axe! Cricket and Tilly's bedroom (Back to reality; he mimes stabbing with the brush.) Cricket: What do you have to say for yourself?!? Tilly: I fear the yarn you spin threatens to unravel the fabric of your own sanity. Cricket: AHA! So you confess! Let's bring her to jail, Remy! (Remy is sleeping; for some reason Barry Cuda is not with him.) Cricket: REMY! Remy: (wakes up) ACK! Cricket: Remy, where's Barry? Remy: Huh...huh? Oh, h-h-h-he must have slipped out of my sleepy little fingers. Also, something's burning. (On cue, smoke comes from the kitchen and the fire alarm goes off.) Cricket: (runs past) I-It's comin' from the kitchen! Kitchen Cricket: What's goin' on in -- (Barry Cuda is in a frying pan on the stove, bursting into flames.) Barry Cuda: ♫ Well, somebody help me ♫ ♫ I need some water -- need some water -- water -- water -- water -- water -- ♫ (Under previous:) Cricket: BARRY! (grabs a fire extinguisher) Hang on, I gotcha! (struggles to spray the fire out) WHOA! AHH! (stops; gets Barry Cuda from the fallen pan) Barry! (Barry Cuda has melted slightly and his eye has sprung lose from the fire.) Cricket: It's true what they say: those who burn brightest burn fastest! Remy: Oh Cricket, I'm so sorry, I -- (Barry Cuda starts singing again, glitching repetitively) AHH! It's still alive?!? Cricket: Barry! You're okay! (puts the eye back) Aw, it's all right. (it springs back out) Yeah, it doesn't need to stay in. But if this happened while we were interrogating Tilly, it means she must be innocent. The plot...it bethickens. Gramma's bedroom (Gramma is watching the Channel 4 News.) Anchorman: Welcome back to Conspiracy News, where we tell you -- the truth. Or do we? Gramma: Mmm-hmm...? Cricket: (barges door open; contemptuously) Hello, Gramma. Remy: (enters) Hello, Gramma. Heh...oh wait a second, you're not my gramma. Gramma: Whassa matter with you?! Ain't you ever heard of knockin'?! Cricket: I don't know. Have you ever heard of why'd you try to kill my fish?!? Gramma: Tried to? If I wanted to kill something, it'd be dead! What makes you think I did this? Cricket: Two weeks ago, family movie night... Gramma's accusation fantasy (He clicks the TV off; zoom through it and cut to a black-and-white flashback of the Greens on the couch under a spotlight.) Cricket (VO): We were watchin' that scary movie: Shark in the Dark 2. (Zoom to Gramma's petrified expression) It was horrifying, and you came to realize how terrified you are of fish! (Zoom out to reveal two mean-looking sharks in place of the family.) Gramma: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! (She sneaks into the bedroom as Cricket interrogates Tilly.) Cricket (VO): And so, you snuck into Tilly's room, knocked out Remy... Gramma: (grabs Remy, whispers) Shh, y'all go to sleep, now... Cricket (VO): Stole Barry and fried him up! (She fries him on the stove.) Cricket (VO): And then ya did one of those maniacal laughs! (She laughs manically; fantasy ends.) Gramma's bedroom Gramma: Have you lost your gol-durn mind? Cricket: SHE'S NOT DENYING IT! REMY, ARREST HER! Remy: Sorry, ma'm...may I arrest you? Gramma: Not unless you want me to bite your ear off. Remy: No!!!...Wait, which one? Gramma: Your favorite one. Remy: Noooo!!! Gramma: Cricket, you ain't presented a lick of evidence that I murdered Bobby-what's-his-name! You ain't got nuthin' on me! Cricket: Dang it. Well if it wasn't you, then -- who was it? Who was doin' this?!? Bill: (comes in) Cricket? It's time for bed. Cricket: YOU! Bill: Huh? Cricket: (climbs onto him) I know you did it! Bill: What are you talkin' about? Bill's accusation fantasy (Black-and-white fantasy of Bill and Barry Cuda fishing at a pier.) Cricket (VO): You and Barry used to be old fishing buddies. Bill (VO): How does that even make sense? (Cricket strolls by with Barry Cuda; Bill watches from the door, angered.) Cricket (VO): When I became his new buddy, you got jealous. Bill: Grrrr... (Shows Bill preparing a ritual with the frying pan set to the following.) Cricket (VO): You prepared a dark sacrifice, wept bitter...THEN COMPLETED THE SACRIFICE! And as he burned, YOU PUNCHED HIM! Gramma's bedroom (Fantasy ends.) Cricket: YOU WERE TRYIN' TO FRY HIM UP, YA MONSTER! Bill: Cricket, you need to settle down! (puts him down) You're goin' a bit wild! I didn't burn Barry! Cricket: I want you to look Barry in his melted eyes, and say that! REMY! (sees Remy asleep in Gramma's bed) Remy!! Remy: (wakes up) AH! OH CHEESE, I DID IT AGAIN! Cricket: Remy, where's -- (hears Barry Cuda still glitched) Huh? (goes to the window) Barry! Backyard Cricket: I thought for sure someone was tryin' to kill ya again! (A lawn mower passes by out of nowhere, running over Barry Cuda and damaging him more.) Cricket: (whimpers dumbstruck) Barry Cuda: (now distorted) ♫ Be there to flop me ♫ ♫ This is what I say ♫ Cricket: (gasps and flops out) You're okay! But...if Tilly is innocent, and it couldn't have been Gramma or Dad, then... (looks at the lawn mower) Who did this to you? Remy: (walks up in Gramma's blanket) Everyone seems innocent. How do we catch who did this? Cricket: Hmm...wait a minute...I'm startin' to suspect it might've been you, Remy! Remy: Oh my goodness...was it me?! (tearing up) I-I-I must've done it in my sleep! Of course! It all makes sense! I'm a SLEEP KILLER! Cricket: Nah, never mind. You're too soft to be a killer. Remy: Oh. Then who did it? Cricket: I don't know, but I'm about to find out. Living room (Cricket sets the couch for a stakeout. He removes some stuffing from a cushion, then puts tape over Barry Cuda's play button to keep it pressed down while he and Remy watch from the cushions.) Barry Cuda: (distorted) ♫ Rumblin' belly ♫ ♫ Make you a wish ♫ ♫ Lookin' out, it's a singin' fish ♫ ♫ Barry Cuda ♫ (Under previous:) Cricket: We're gonna use the fish as bait. Remy: Mmm...sounds good... (Bill comes up.) Cricket: (whispering) Dad? Bill: Oh, Barry. Still singin'? Cricket: Dad, get out of the way! I'm waitin' for the murderer to show up! Bill: What's that now, Barry? You want an axe in your head? (takes one out) Well, ALLOW ME! (He slams the axe into Barry Cuda's body.) Cricket: Barry! It was Dad all along! (Bill chops more; tries to unzip the cushion but can't) Oh no, the zipper's stuck! Remy, help me out! (Remy is fast asleep.) Cricket: Darn, that boy's early bedtime! Gramma: (comes up) Bill! Stop! (holds up a frying pan) I want a piece of this action! (hits Barry Cuda with it) Cricket: Gramma was in on it, too!? (A few more hits, and Tilly comes in through the front door with the lawn mower, looking deranged.) Tilly: Heeeeere's Tilly. (She puts it on top of Barry Cuda, destroying him more.) Gramma: Do it, girl! Bill: Yeah, Tilly, alright! Gramma: Yeaaaaaah! Cricket: It was everyone?!? Bill: Let's finish this....TOGETHER! (All prepare to finish off; Cricket struggles until he bursts through the cushion.) Cricket: NOOOOOO! (jumps to the table) Ack! No! Bill: Cricket?! Uh... Gramma: Uh... Tilly: It's not what it looks like! Cricket: (looks at them with cold fury) How could you?...How could ALL OF YOU?!? Bill: Cricket -- Gramma: Oh, I -- Tilly: Not my intention. Bill: Look, we know you love Barry, but he was just... Gramma: BUT IT WAS SO ANNOYIN'! He drove us crazy! Tilly: To the point of murder. Cricket: Wait...you guys all hated him? Tilly: It wasn't hate, so much as it was deep and abiding loathing. (Cricket stares at Barry Cuda, now singing as if low on power.) Bill: We're really sorry, son. We just -- (The lights go out.) Tilly, Bill, Gramma: (gasp) (After a beat, Cricket turns the lights back on. He silently walks back over.) Tilly, Bill, Gramma: What the -- Gramma: Oh, wha -- Bill: What happened? Gramma: What happened to the fish? Bill: Barry! Is he -- (Now Barry Cuda's motherboard circuit is visible; Cricket presses the play button once, twice; nothing.) Cricket: He's dead. (closes Barry Cuda's eye) Bill: Cricket!! Gramma: It wasn't us! Tilly: We promise! Cricket: I know! I'' did it! ''I KILLED BARRY! Tilly, Bill, Gramma: (gasp) Cricket: I loved Barry. He was the first thing I ever got to buy with my own money. But I love you guys more, and I can't put a price on that. (The others smile, and they gather for a group hug.) Gramma: All right... Bill: Hey, wait a second. How'd you uh...kill Barry? Cricket: I just took the batteries out. (shows them) Bill: Oh. Gramma: Right. Tilly: The batteries. Remy: (in his sleep) ♫ Barry Cuda...Barry Cuda...Wooooo... ♫ (The Greens all give him cold glares.) Remy: What? It's a catchy tune. Category:Episode Transcript Category:Season 1 Transcripts Category:B Category:A-Z